By Centari Jackson
May 30, 2016
Radio host Alex Jones remains in police custody following an altercation at a Burger King in downtown Austin, Texas late this morning.
Burger King workers at the food court in the Srtatfor complex said that the altercation began after 42-year-old Jones demanded that he be able to customize a large number of cheeseburgers. When restaurant staff told him they were premade and were sold as they are, Jones grew very angry and began to flail his arms about, yelling and screaming about a “New world order conspiracy” to suppress him.
“He was hysterical,” says Jeffrey Hamilton, a 16-year-old employee of the popular fast-food chain. “He could not accept what we told him about the burgers. And he wanted a ridiculous amount of burgers, like 50 or something.”
At one point, another work intervened, calling Jones a “Zionist disinformation agent” and telling him to back down. The self-proclaimed patriot then lashed out and grabbed said employee by the collar and screamed, “I am the king of conspiracy! You must be a government agent!”
Jones, not satisfied, reportedly made a cellphone call to Stratfor chairman George Friedman. But by the time Friedman arrived to help his associate, police had already arrested Jones.
Friedman declined to comment on the altercation.
A food court security guard said that he sees Jones quite regularly in the food court, usually in the smoking room, where Friedman and other men in suits often accompany him.
Austin city police said they want to question Jones but are unlikely to press any charges.
Jones’ lawyer Elizabeth L. Morgan issued a statement to the press shortly after the arrest saying that her client has been under a lot of stress lately due to an ongoing custody battle over his three children. Jones’s ex-wife Kelly Rebecca Nichols filed for divorce in 2013. The host of conspiracy hub Infowars.com has also experienced disappointment over a drop in ratings of viewers of his various online programs over the last couple of years.
*The above article is satire and intended for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to real life people or events is intentional.